Leslie Nielsen

I received a shipment yesterday

Countless letters kissed or signed

Some were pert on floral paper

Others curt and unrefined

But they all are flat and useless

Like a box of uncut keys

For a door without a keyhole

Swinging freely in a breeze

So I tossed them in recycling

But for one that touched my heart

As it lauded Leslie Nielsen

Though it tore the film apart

Nothing to see here, please disperse

Leave me to be alone with her free and flowing verse

Nothing to see here, move along

All those cold and cockeyed critics, they’re all dead wrong

Robert Hays could act his ass off

Could break your eyes with any line

Or so he thought, or so he wanted

His dreams were big, so were mine

Then we were funny once, just one time

We made you laugh, that’s all it took

To cement our reputations

We’d bent the straight into a hook

But we got pigeonholed as deadpan

Which at the time would set me free

As I finally felt an actor

Emerged as Drebin, and he as me

Nothing to see here, please disperse

Let the critics have their chuckle, watch me chuck this typecast curse

Nothing to see here, move along

All those cold and cockeyed critics, they’re all dead wrong

Now as I read once more the letter

Prepare to draft a note to thank

My wife asks, “Les, why are you crying?”

I say, “I’m so much more than Frank”

I tell her, “Stop, please stop your laughing”

Even her I can’t impress

And she says, “Les, you can’t be serious”

I surely am, and don’t call me Les

I am more, I’m Leslie Nielsen

And you can always count on me

To be straight or frank or serious

You may laugh, but watch and see

Nothing to see here, please disperse

Leave me to be alone with her free and flowing verse

Nothing to see here, stop your gaze

If this note is actually from a woman, and she truly means the praise

Then I have all that I need here and everyone

And I’ve finally rid my body of this naked gun

Point those cold and cockeyed critics to young Robert Hays